Why carry a purse?

My clients are some of the most innovative people I have ever met. I like to consider myself a pretty practical and ready-for-anything type of person. However, my clients constantly open my eyes to how I could be more prepared for every day situations.

One of my DUI clients was hospitalized after a car accident. Her doctors initially said that my client was wearing a tampon, as depicted in her X-ray. Upon further review however, they deduced that the object they originally thought was a tampon, was too dense and was likely something else. They questioned my client about it, and she nonchalantly said that she likes to keep a readily available razor in her hoo-ha. Never know when you'll need it!

The report didn't end there. They sent a gynecologist in to inspect her, who was surprised after an exam when there was no object to be found. The doctors were baffled because the X-ray clearly showed an object in that area. They questioned my client again, and she said that oops, the razor must be in her rectum actually. The doctors told her they were going to send someone in to remove it, to which she objected, saying it wasn't necessary because she could easily take it in and out herself. She then signed herself out, and left the hospital.

I get it. I do. Purses are a huge pain to carry around on a regular basis.

Praise the Lord

I am considering myself extremely privileged today. I just got a new court-appointed client that will go down in the history books. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased and humbled to announce that I have been chosen to represent the Messiah himself.

He wrote me a letter letting me know this was so. "I am the Messiah," among other things.

Think I should ask him his views on gay marriage?

Clean Records

The prosecutor offered one of my older clients (who is looking at a significant amount of jail time) a really generous deal that would drop half of his charges, and knock off a massive amount of the required minimum sentence. When I went to the jail to show him the proposed deal and explain all of the terms and what if’s, he basically lost his mind.

 “My record is CLEAN! I have NUTHIN' on there! That is NOT a deal. What kind of deal is that?! No. I can NOT go back to jail. My record is CLEAN. I ain’t ever done nuthin’! That is NOT a deal.”

 This guy’s “clean record” includes a murder conviction, among other things.

With that line of thinking, I don't think I've ever had a client without a clean record. I think I'll start adopting that view in my own life when people ask me incriminating questions.

My record is CLEAN. I ain't ever done nuthin'. Ya heard?

Felon Flattery

The first time I saw this particular client, he had shaggy hair and a grown out beard, neither of which had seen a blade anytime in 2014. When he walked into our meeting at the jail this week, I didn't recognize him at first. He had transitioned from homeless man chic to hairless rat couture. When our meeting was finished I said to him, "You look funny," to which he smiled and responded, "I'm going to take that as a compliment. You look great as well." He made my whole day. Seriously.

I went back to the office and told my coworkers that I really liked this client. I said I believed his story 100% and that he was definitely innocent (they laughed at me).

Jail flattery will get you everywhere. Except out of jail.

Job Perks

Today, I get to go sit in jail for 2 hours and watch some homemade porn videos with another attorney and one of the stars of the videos. What fun! Being a lawyer is a lot of things, but boring isn't one.

When Miranda speaks, you should listen

The first line of the Miranda warnings that police read to suspects when placing under arrest clearly states that the person "has the right to remain silent." Unfortunately the majority of people placed under arrest after hearing this warning seem to think it is the best time to spill their story to the cops. Case in point with a court appointed client facing multiple drug charges who decided that it would be the smart thing to admit to the investigators during questioning that he was only a "small time dealer" thus admitting to the charges he now faces. Hard to defend successfully when your client admits to the police he's guilty and he hasn't even been in a courtroom yet!

Lesson learned today is keep your mouth shut after Miranda is read!

Here we go………….

I've never done anything like this before so I'm looking forward to it. This is the story of a small law firm and the funny experiences we look forward to sharing with whoever ends up reading this blog. Stay tuned, we're just getting started!